Our Story

When it comes to the path to parenthood, we all have a story.  Some of us have a very succinct story.  Some of us have an extended journey that transforms our lives, changes our very existence and if we are lucky, connects us with others taking the scenic route to parenthood.  I find myself surrounded by people with succinct stories - month 1 off of BCP they conceive, and 9 months later have their beautiful baby in their arms.  They are wonderful parents and I admire them for that.  However, I do believe that those of us taking the scenic route get, among other things, an opportunity to appreciate parenthood in a way others will never imagine.  I believe that we experience strengthened relationships with our partners and the people we let into our circle of silence.  Most of all, we experience a heightened relationship with ourselves.

My partner and I have been TTC for over 2 years now, including a loss at 10 weeks about a year ago.  I know some of my readers have been trying for over 10 years and I just want to pause and acknowledge your strength and the great admiration I have for you.  Some of you have never known even a short-term feeling of successful conception and again, you have my admiration for your courage.  We all face slightly different struggles and we should never make comparisons as to who may face greater struggles or more hurt, we are all in this together.

What I can say about the past two years is that they have been filled with obstacles I never imagined I would face in life.  Infertility, miscarriage, those were things that happened to other people but not me.  When I decided I wanted a baby, I would have one.  Simple, right?  Hardly.  Am I victimized by this journey?  No.  Our story has strengthened our relationship.  Our story has helped me to grow to become a stronger person than I ever knew I could be.  I look at life differently because of the loss I have felt and I know I am courageous because of the month after month of failure I have faced and the fact that I face the next cycle with courage.  

How has your path to parenthood impacted you as an individual?  How has it impacted your relationships?

The Path to Parenthood: Breaking the Silence

Infertility affects as many as 1 in every 6 couples in North America.  More than 25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage.  Based on these statistics I can say with great confidence that many of my colleagues, friends and family members have experienced some roadblocks on the path to parenthood.  Some of you may wonder if you will ever arrive at your destination, some of you have accepted you may never arrive and have found another destination.

I am part of the 1 in 6.  I am part of the 25%.  I never thought I would find myself impacted by fertility challenges or miscarriage.  I don’t think any of us do.  As we started looking around rooms, considering random samples of people in our lives, the statistics I have shared seem inflated.  I would argue that they are actually underestimates.  We are transparent in so much about our lives, the medical conditions we may have whether they are artefacts of our environment or the genetic composition our parents shared with us during our own creation.  Why is infertility something that we feel the need to confine to discussions inside of our own home or as an anonymous username, twitter handle or blogger? 

I make these statements not to cast judgment or criticize.  I am that anonymous blogger, I share my deepest feelings and experiences through a twitter handle that does not connect me to my non-virtual life.  I do not fully understand my need to withhold information about my fertility challenges from my colleagues, many of my friends and even some of my family.

What I do know is that when I have shared my experiences, I find myself welcomed into what I will liken as a secret society of other women who have struggled on the path to parenthood.  So many still continue to suffer in silence.   Others, like myself are finding release in our virtual friendships  - the friends who we are grateful to have connected with through forums, twitter and our blogs.  Why do we feel the need to maintain so much secrecy around our pregnancy losses, the tears we shed at the beginning of each new cycle when we see the signs of another unsuccessful attempt on our journey?  

Many believe our primary purpose on this earth is to procreate, to give life, to rear children and continue the circle of life.  For me, my inability to fulfill what may be deemed as my primary purpose on this earth is something I am ashamed of.  I am successful in life, my relationship, my friendships and my career.  I completed a challenging university degree and have excelled in all that I have taken on.  I have succeeded in all but this, my primary purpose.  

That's my take.  Tell me, why do YOU maintain the barrier of silence?  Who do you withhold information of your fertility struggles from?